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  • Bisexuality

    The best definition I have found on bisexuality is by Robin Ochs who writes:

    “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

    People often ask what the difference is between a straight man who has sex with men and a bisexual man who has sex with men. A bisexual guy does not inherently need to have relations with both genders for his whole life. I’ve treated other bisexuals who’ve explored both sides of their sexuality before they got married and that was enough. “Yep. I’m bisexual. Those were great times. Loved it. I don’t need to do it anymore.” Other bisexuals find they want to have relations with both genders all their lives. Sam felt he needed to have sex with men especially because he had never done it, and he honestly didn’t know if it was going to be a lifetime thing.

    Everyone has individual sexual orientations, preferences,  and  fantasies that may or may not line up with the sexual behavior they exhibit. So let’s break it down. 

    Sexual identity or Orientation refers to how someone self-identifies, and not how others may categorize him or her. Some self-identify as heterosexual (straight), gay or lesbian, homosexual (a person who is not “out” but enjoy homosexual sex), bisexual or questioning (bi-curious, or “If it feels good, no problem”). For those who do not identify as sexually fluid, orientation is static and does not change. This can be confusing when someone comes out of the closet. It looks as though the person changes orientation when in fact they are coming out to who they always really were. They stop role-playing the wrong orientation.

    An example of the constancy of sexual orientation is a trans person who has surgically transitioned.  If they are AMAB (assigned male at birth) and attracted to women, they may have been perceived as straight before transitioning, but are now correctly perceived as lesbian.  Their label may have changed, but their attraction to women remained constant and is not dependent on their genitalia.

    Romantic OrientationGenerally (sexual) orientation is thought of as both who you want to come home to and who you want to go to bed with. While those who identify as 100% gay or straight, for example, see the gender of that person as the same, not everyone experiences this. For some, their sexual orientation is different than their romantic orientation.Some men who are sexually attracted to men are romantically attracted to women and are then usually heterosexually married. These men may be mis-identified as bisexual, because they are attracted to both genders, though in different ways. These men would actually refer to themselves as hetero-romantic (or hetero-emotional) homosexual men. They can be sexual with women they love but they are predominately aroused and driven sexually by desire for sex with other men.Having a romantic attraction that differs from a sexual one does not mean that an individual would constantly be torn and incapable of monogamy. Much like an asexual person might sometimes be sexual with a romantic parter who desires sex (for the sake of the partner and the relationship) hetero-romantic homosexual men can be sexual with their wives to build connection, even if they lack natural sexual attraction for women that straight men have. 

    These are sexual acts, positions and fantasies that someone prefers to have when engaging in sexual activity. They can take it or leave it however they enjoy it when they do it. This is different than sexual orientation which is one’s identity and the object of passion for which they are compelled and naturally drawn to. Preferences can change over time and one can become more open or closed to certain sexual fantasies, behaviors and acts. 

    Sexual Behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one’s sexual partner. But the sexual behavior you engage in won’t necessarily reflect your orientation.

    Sexual Fantasies are any thoughts and ideas that arouse you. They can be about virtually anything—not just body parts, but clothing and shoes, and even natural objects such as trees and mountains—especially if they remind you of a previous erotic encounter. Memories of music and of aromas (perfume) can have a similar aphrodisiac effect.